I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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