Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
