i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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