I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
