Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
