I can text with my tongue
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
