she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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