I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.