a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months