the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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