i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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