Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
