Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
