turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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