is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
