Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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