I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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