You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
