Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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