we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
