i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
