I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
