apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
