I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
