All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
me + whiskey = a bad person
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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