Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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