Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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