I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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