The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
