I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
