I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
