We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
