I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
