I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
