I think I died a long time ago.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
