You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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