It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
