if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
