omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
