What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
