hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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