I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just gift wrapped bread.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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