Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
