i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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