You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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