If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
