so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
