You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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