so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think i got beer on your cat.
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