iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
