I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I need to stop coming to work sober
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
