OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
