Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
