you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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