i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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