why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
